I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
