I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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