sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
