What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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