This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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