When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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