M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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