Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
