i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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