i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
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