literally had 100 drinks last night.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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