Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
