last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
