My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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