I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize