The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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