i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
