Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize