doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
