Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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