The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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