I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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