I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
