if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
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