so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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