Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
