Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
