He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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