I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
