Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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