ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
