my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
