I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize