I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i dont even know how to be here
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
