i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
