God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
