so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
