I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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