can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
