Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
