I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
