now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
