what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
