I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize