It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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