We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
Randomize