Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
