he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
