the condom got lost in my hair
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize