Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
