If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
