i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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