then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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