stop calling my apartment porn island.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
