Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
