That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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