..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
