I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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