it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Are my feet made of real feet?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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