Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
