then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
ok first of all what the fuck
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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