Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
