dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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