I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
