Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
